I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
