Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize