I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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