Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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