He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Vodka?
Forever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
