I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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