I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
