Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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