i would punch a child for taco bell
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize