I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
