I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
