Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize