Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
