I am in a vortex of obligation.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
