i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
