Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
4 words: hood of his car
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
