My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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