They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
