i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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