You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
