He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
