the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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