didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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