i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
