I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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