I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
