Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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