it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
