I want to stick my p in your. b.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
