I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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