and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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