she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
