Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
