fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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