She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
