Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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