Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
