i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize