I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
