you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
