Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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