Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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