is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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