One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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