I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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