You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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