just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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