That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
