Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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