Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize