You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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