sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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