1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
