I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
