I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
