Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
