My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
