I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
