so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
