everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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