Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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