I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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