This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
