I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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