I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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