Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
