My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
