duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
